Technology

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.” The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!” The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!” The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!”?

• My Computer

A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user…
Help desk: Double click on “My Computer”.
Lady: I cant see your computer…
Help desk: No… click on “My Computer” on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer… double click on it…
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer???

• Error Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define “Great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to
on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!” He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.??

• Hard Drive

Why was the computer tired when he got home? Because he had a hard drive.?

• Cold Comp. 

Why did the computer get cold? Because it forgot to close windows.?

• Programmer

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air. The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: “Cant you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!” The boy replies back: “Darling, I am a programmer. We dont worry about warnings, we only worry about errors.”?

• Help

Once upon a time, a computer programmer drowned at sea. Many were on the beach and heard him cry out, “F1! F1!”, but no one understood.?

• Windows 95 

Satan greets him: “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever. Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bills delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says “Ill take this option.” “Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. “That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best of all!” “That’s what everyone thinks” snickered Satan. “The bottle has a hole in it!” “What about the PC?” “Its got Windows 95!” laughed Satan. “And its missing three keys,” “Which three?” “Control, Alt and Delete.”???

• Mario

Do not be racist; be like Mario. He’s an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!?

Are you a Football Fans? Take a look Top Five (5) Most Craziest Football Incidents of All Time

• Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”?

• Santa Cloth(aus) 

Mother: “Sweetie, make a Christmas wish.”
Girl: “I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa’s computer.”?

• Dat Ass

I named my hard drive “dat ass,” so once a month my computer

asks if I want to “back dat ass up.”??

• Toirout “er”

A Man from the toilet shouts to his wife : Darling, darling, do you hear me?!!!! What happened, did you run out of toilet paper? No, restart the router, please!?

• Genie

Bill Gates is at the beach when he discovers a bottle, he opens it and a Genie appears. The Genie says, “I have been trapped for 1000 years. As a reward you can make a wish.” Gates thinks about it as he carries the bottle back to his beach cottage. Once there, he goes to a bookshelf, pulls out an atlas and turns to a map of the Middle East. This area has seen conflict and suffering for hundreds of years.   What I wish for is peace in the Middle East. The Genie replies, “I don’t know I can do a lot, but this? Dont you have another wish?” Bill Gates thinks and finally says, OK. The whole world hates Microsoft because we have conquered the software market and because Windows still crashes. I wish you would make everybody love us. The Genie says, “Let me see that map again.”????

• Micro Chips

What do Scientists have for snacks? Micro-chips.?

• Talking Frog

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, Ill turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, Ill stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that Ill stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why wont you kiss me?” The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”?

• Tech Dad

A Computer Engineer was asked by his five-year-old son: “Dad, what is Windows 95?” “Well, it’s 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that cant stand 1 bit of competition.”?

• Rapture

God called Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates to come to a conference. And when they were all there, God said, “I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The bad news is that I’m really fed up with the way things are on Earth; so, I’ve decided to destroy it. The good news is that I’m giving you one weeks notice.” So, Bill Clinton called into session the joint houses of Congress and announced, “I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news is there is a God. The bad news is that hes going to destroy the Earth in one week.” Boris Yeltsin called into session the Communist Party and announced, “I’ve got bad news and worse news. The bad news is that there is a God after all. And the worse news is that hes going to destroy the Earth in one week.” Bill Gates called all of his programmers, marketing experts and administrators together and announced, “I’ve got good news and I’ve got better news. The good news is that God thinks I’m one of the three most important men on Earth. The better news is that we don’t have to fix Windows 95.”?

• Comp. Users

Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert. Novice users: people who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. Intermediate users: people who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it. Expert users: people who break other people’s computers.?

• Admin

A system administrator has 2 problems: – dumb users – smart users??

• Read-only

Two programmers in a bar: Do you see that chick there? Look at here “properties”! Yes, I’ve already “tested” here last night… they are read-only!?

• Password

I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.??

• Del

Women’s are like computer virus… they ENTER your life… SEARCH your pocket… SHIFT your balance … CONTROL your life… when you become an old version DELET you from the system?

• Ctrl, Alt, Del 

If you messed up your life, you could press “Ctrl, Alt, Delete” and start all over! To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend. Hit “any key” to continue life when ready. To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster. To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel. To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings. If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers. When you loose your car keys, click on find. “Help” with the chores is just a click away. Auto insurance wouldnt be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash. And, we could click on “Share Now” to make our Friends as happy as you are??

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