We have compiled another hilarious jokes that will surely give you joy
Four men were stranded in a desert. Suddenly, 1 of them died. The other 3 decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead body. The 1st man said, “I support Liverpool, so Ill eat his liver.” The 2nd man said, “I support Manchester, so Ill eat his chest.” The 3rd man said, “I support Arsenal… but I’m not very hungry!”
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Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear. The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him. The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, “How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?” The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, I’m drowning, you moron!”
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An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,”Seven Points.” His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” The old man replied, “Its fart football!” A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says – “Touchdown, tie score!” After about five minutes the old man farts again and says – “Touchdown, Im ahead 14 to 7!” Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, – “Touchdown, tie score!” Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says – “Field Goal, I lead 17 to 14!” Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed. The wife looks and says, “What the heck was that?” The old man replied, “Half-time, Switch sides!”
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Three heavyweight men; an American, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building. The American jumped off and shouted “God save America!” The English man jumped off and shouted “God Save The Queen!” The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted “God save the person who I land on!
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There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late. On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that? George replies, Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed. Well, one of the employees questioned, What happens if she is laying on her back? George replies, Then I am 10 minutes late.
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Why couldnt Usain Bolt listen to his music? “Because he broke the record.”
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A teacher asks her students if they’re Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. “Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?” “The Red Sox.” “Whys that?” “Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so Im a Red Sox fan too.” “That’s not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?” “No, that would make me a Yankees fan!”?
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Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, “So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?” “Oh, no,” Baby Bear replied, “I dont want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me.” “Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear,” answered the judge. “OFour men were stranded in a desert. Suddenly, 1 of them died. The other 3 decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead body. The 1st man said, “I support Liverpool, so Ill eat his liver.” The 2nd man said, “I support Manchester, so Ill eat his chest.” The 3rd man said, “I support Arsenal… but Im not very hungry!”
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Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear. The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him. The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, “How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?” The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, “Im drowning, you moron!”
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An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,”Seven Points.” His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” The old man replied, “Its fart football!” A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says – “Touchdown, tie score!” After about five minutes the old man farts again and says – “Touchdown, Im ahead 14 to 7!” Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, – “Touchdown, tie score!” Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says – “Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!” Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed. The wife looks and says, “What the heck was that?” The old man replied, “Half-time, Switch sides!”
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Three heavyweight men; an American, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building. The American jumped off and shouted “God save America!” The English man jumped off and shouted “God Save The Queen!” The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted “God save the person who I land on!
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The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late. On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that? George replies, Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed. Well, one of the employees questioned, What happens if she is laying on her back? George replies, Then I am 10 minutes late.
Why couldnt Usain Bolt listen to his music? “Because he broke the record.”
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A teacher asks her students if they’re Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. “Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?” “The Red Sox.” “Whys that?” “Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so Im a Red Sox fan too.” “Thats not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?” “No, that would make me a Yankees fan!”?
Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, “So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?” “Oh, no,” Baby Bear replied, “I dont want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me.” “Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear,” answered the judge. “Oh, no, I dont want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me.” “Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?” Baby Bear said, “I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They dont beat anybody!”
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Four nuns were attending a baseball game. Four men were sitting directly behind them. Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there.” Then the second guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Missouri, there are only 75 nuns living there.” The third guy said, “I want to go to Texas, there are only 50 nuns living there.” The fourth guy said, “I want to go to Maine. There are only 25 nuns living there.” The mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, “Why don’t you go to hell, there aren’t any nuns there!”
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Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? All the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the USA.
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Two alpinists on a mountain: One of them falls in a crack, the other jumps at the hole and screams after the other one: Are you hurt? Noooooo! He hears. How come? I’m still fallinnnnnnn!
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I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
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At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.” So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: “Thank you for participating in Deltas physical fitness program.”
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesnt seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: “Take it easy. I can help. First, we have to be sure hes dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, “Ok, now what?”
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Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus then turns to the old man and says, “Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we won’t bring you next time.”
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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. “It`s for my husband,” she tells the clerk. “Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk. “Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!”
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The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Jonah Lomu getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own. “No worries,” Jonah told them, “Ill join you later and tell you what happened.” After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his teammates the final score: 95-3. “What!!!!” said a furious Josh Kronfeld, “How did you let them get three points??!” Jonah replied apologetically, “I was sent off with 20 minutes to go.”
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England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
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One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, “There are no fish down there.” He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, “Theres no fish down there.” He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, “Theres no fish down there.” He looked up into the sky and asked, “God, is that you?” “No, you idiot,” the voice said, “its the rink manager.”
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What did the trampolinist say? ‘Life has its ups and downs, but I always bounce back.’ Tennis
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The basketball coach stormed into the university presidents office and demanded a raise right then and there. “Please,” protested the college president, “you already make more than the entire History department.” “Yeah, maybe so, but you dont know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look.” He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. “Run over to my office and see if Im there,” he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. “Youre not there, sir,” he reported. “Oh, I see what you mean,” conceded the president, scratching his head. “I would have phoned.”
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Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms. “Hey, lady,” yells Larry, “Throw me the cat. “No,” she cries, “It’s too far. “I play football, I can catch him. “The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street. Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers. Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.”
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Coach: Your roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep! So do you abuse me in your sleep! Football Player: Coach, It is just not true! Coach: What is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him! Football player: Coach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!
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Two man playing golf were held up by two women playing in front of them. One man said: “Ill walk up to them and tell them to hurry up.” When he returned he said: “I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my mistress.” The second man said: “Ill walk up to them and hurry them up.” He came back and said: “We both have the same problem.”
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While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,”Are there any gators around here?!” “Naw,” the man hollered back, “they aint been around for years!” “Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,”Howd you get rid of the gators?” “We didnt do nothin,” the beachcomber said “The sharks got em.”
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A psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving give an oral quiz to the freshman class. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?” A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”
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Billy and Joe were huge baseball fans. One day, both Billy and Joe made a pact that if either of them were to die; they had to come back to the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if baseball was played in heaven. Sure enough, Billy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form of a ghost. A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend and says “Billy, it is so good to see you…so tell me, is there baseball in Heaven?”. “Well”, Billy says, “I have some good news and bad news for ya. First the good news…YES, there is baseball in heaven!”. “Thank God!” Joe shouts… “What is the bad news?!”. “Youre pitching tomorrow.”
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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded in the affirmative. “Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?” The little boy nodded yes. “So,” the coach continued, “Im sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldnt argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?” Again the little boy nodded. He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, its not good sportsmanship to call your coach a worthless idiot is it? Again the little boy nodded. “Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your parents.”
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A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didnt want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home – arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf mans house. “You tell this guy that if he doesnt give me back my $100,000 Im going to kill him!” he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, “I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree.” The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, “Hes not going to tell you.
He said hed rather die first.”
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